Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Q.O.D. Can you love someone before you meet them?

This question comes from Alisse in Baltimore, MD.

"Dear Curvy Confidence,

I have been talking to someone I met on a dating site for about a month now.  We talk for hours every day, extensive text message conversations, face time dates, chat on yahoo messenger and facebook.  We have a great chemistry and I think I have fallen in love with this man.  The only problem, we haven't actually met yet.  He is on deployment with the military and won't return home until February of 2014.  Is it possible that I can love this person without actually having met him face to face?

Thank you - Alisse, Baltimore, MD.

Alisse, I think that it's great that you have found someone online that seems to give you the time and attention that makes you happy.  I love that you have great chemistry too.  I have to be devil's advocate in this scenario unfortunately.  The problem with online dating is that people can be anyone they want to be without having a responsibility to truth.  What I mean by that is when you meet someone in person, although they too can be lying, at least you see first hand how they act, how they treat you and physically show how they genuinely feel 

I have been a victim of a man who used online dating as a way to suffice his time while deployed and once he returned stateside, found out he had a family already.  I am pretty sure his wife was unaware of our online romance and I was totally crushed.  Although I didn't think I loved this guy, I was making plans to meet him, move with him and ultimately begin my life with him once he came home. 

This may NOT be the case for you.  Your guy could be 100% genuine and you just got lucky.  I don't think it's possible to be fully in love with someone you haven't met, I believe you are in love with the idea of being with him.  He could very well be just the guy for you, but only time will tell.  Slow down, enjoy how he makes you feel and keep your eyes wide open for TRUTH.  Once he makes it home and shows you that he is everything he has presented himself to be, at that time you can reassess how you feel and determine if it's truly love.

I wish you the best of luck in your situation! 

Thank you - Curvy Confidence

Monday, November 4, 2013

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Q.O.D. - is meeting someone at 11pm a bootycall?

The question box is exploding with such a diverse variety of questions!  I am excited to see all these thought provoking inquiries and look forward to answering them all as best I can. 

This question has a double edged sword, so let's get more details with the full question before answering. 

  Kelly 22 yr old female from Sarasota, FL asks, "I recently joined an online dating site and have been talking to a guy I find extremely attractive and thus far been quite compatible with for about a week.  He has now asked me to meet him for drinks, but doesn't get off of work until 10pm.  He asked me to meet him at a bar at 11pm on a weekday and I am not sure if this is an attempt at a bootycall or just convenient for his work schedule.   Is this considered bootycall hours or is it classy to accommodate his after hour schedule?"

Initially, I'd say the fact that you questioned it off hand indicates you may have the answer already.  There are a few things I find wrong with this scenario. 

A)  A gentleman NEVER asks to meet at a BAR on a first meet. 
B)  He should be asking to accommodate YOUR schedule as well, and 11pm is NOT safe for a woman to be meeting someone she doesn't know.
C)  First dates should NEVER be at a bar. 
D)  11pm is ok with someone you KNOW, comfortable with and trust.  NOT someone you are just meeting for the first time.

My advice is this:

Set boundaries and apply standards for your online dating progress.  For instance, set goals for when you give out your number, set up a meet and plan a real date.  I personally don't like giving out my number to every "fish" out there, because they tend to be bothersome and needy.  My private number is reserved for those I feel deserve it, and have spent enough time getting to know me online.  I need a REAL connection to divulge those digits. 

Secondly, meeting is something that develops as a result of an even stronger connection.  Although it is "harmless" so to speak to meet in a public place just to get to know someone, it's still RISKY.  Aside from that, my time is VERY limited and the last thing I want to do is waste even an hour with someone I am not even sure can hold an intelligent conversation.  Once you give up that hour, you can't get it back. 

Ultimately, YOU set the guidelines for your timeline of events and do what makes YOU comfortable.  I simply share MINE as an example.  Be careful!  Online dating can be dangerous and be observant of your surroundings at all times.  Here are some tips for meeting someone for the very first time.

1.  Tell a friend or family member EVERYTHING out the person you are meeting INCLUDING a link to their profile. 
2.  NEVER meet someone who hasn't given you photos or provided some sort of contact information.
3.  Tell a friend or family member ALL the details about your date. 
4.  If you don't feel comfortable meeting, don't go. 
5.  NEVER leave your intended destination without alerting someone of your new location or whereabouts.  Someone should ALWAYS know where you are.  I usually check in on facebook so that it is PUBLIC and has an address as to my exact location. 
6.  NEVER leave your drink unattended.  Date rape is still something to be aware of and happens more often than you think.  A drink left unattended is a drink at risk of being poisoned and could be the last one you take. 
7.  NEVER bring them back to your home or give exact location details about where you live.  If things don't work out, you want to feel safe in your home and not have to worry about whether they will stalk you or show up unannounced.  Protect your safety, and your dwelling.  It's easier to protect it than it is to move.
8.  Park near a light and keep your keys where you can get to them quickly. 
9.  KNOW your environment and be well aware of an escape plan if something was to initiate and you need to leave quickly.  I usually circle areas a couple of times before parking to make sure I am aware of EXACTLY how I got there and how I will get out. 
10.  Safety first.  A gentleman will understand the need for you to protect yourself.  Anyone who is uncomfortable with you doing so, sets off alarms immediately.  PAY ATTENTION TO RED FLAGS. 
11.  Do NOT go to his home or a private or secluded location.  Public places that you either KNOW someone or know will be heavily crowded are best. 

I hate to set fear into you, but I think being aware is definitely more beneficial than to simply offer trust to those undeserving and potentially put yourself at risk. 

It's better to be safe, than sorry. 

Is 11pm a bootycall?  I believe it is definitely not a good time to meet someone for the first time. 

Hope that answers your question Kelly!